Handling Conflicts - The Bull In A China Shop

The Bull In A China Shop...

I often get calls from managers at the end of their ropes with an employee who doesn't seem to get along with others. 

You know the type:

• Stellar individual performer!
• Executes without errors or delays!
• Great output!
• BUT, absolutely a "Bull in a China shop" when it comes to working with others! 

Ole! 

Pam is an A-Type personality, who works with others in a dentist office.  She is matter-of-fact.  She is sometimes harsh and says things that are blunt and insensitive.  When others come to her with questions, she rolls her eyes, sighs deeply with frustration, and patronizingly explains what to do.  She has been told that she needs to work on her "interpersonal skills" but she doesn't see a problem.  She is who she is. 

"Intent vs. Impact"

My advice:  You need to specifically sit down with Pam (the "Bull") and talk with her about her behavior.  This is delicate, so I'd approach it from the angle of "Intent vs. Impact." 

What this means is, it's not about her intentions.  She is probably a well-meaning, well-intentioned individual.  She cares!  She wants to make a difference!  She doesn't like to see errors occur!  She wants to do her job as you expect her to.

But....she  don't seem to realize that her actions are having a negative IMPACT on the others. 

That's what you need to focus on.  IMPACT.  Speak to her kindly, but sternly, about the impact of her bluntness....her sharp-tongued comments....her sarcasm.  Explain that the IMPACT of these actions is concerning. 

Mirrors Show Reflections

It's a little like putting a mirror in front of her, asking her to describe what the reflection tells her.   She needs to know how she appears to others when she behaves this way. 

Speak specifically to your own observations.  Do not use the "rumor has it," or "I've been told," when speaking with her.  Understand that she needs direct and specific feedback -- not generalizations -- in order to accurately see this problem.

"Pam, when you roll your eyes at people, what do you think it communicates?" 


She responds, "It doesn't communicate anything!  I just do this out of habit.  It means nothing." 


You coach, "So when your 12 year old daughter rolls her eyes at you when you're talking with her, that means nothing?" 


She quickly responds, "That's disrespect!  I wouldn't tolerate that." 

You calmly say, "So when your 12-year old daughter rolls her eyes at you, it's disrespect.  But when you roll your eyes at others, that's not disrespect?" 

The light switch turns on. 

"I didn't realize that I was communicating that.  I don't mean to.  I just have a habit, I guess, of doing this.  I'm not even aware sometimes that I do this."


You coach, "Do you understand how others feel when you roll your eyes and speak to them with a harsh tone?"

She nods, and tears up.  You know right there and then that you have made an impression.  She does care!  She just needs help to figure out what to do differently!

You're the Coach

You will probably find that this conversation will get her attention, but long-term may not change her overall behavior.   A one-time conversation will not necessarily work.  You will need to continue to coach and support her so that she has regular and honest feedback.  If she's going to make an earnest effort to improve her relationships with others, she needs someone to keep her apprised if it's working or if it's not.    

Summary: 

Teams have a wide-range of personalities.  Commonly, there's a strong-personality on the team that through their actions, has a "heartburn effect" on the team.  Managers need to provide honest and specific feedback on the IMPACT on the team.  Working with the "Bull" will provide the much-needed "TUMS" to settle the constant heartburn within the team. 

Kathleen Lapekas - PHR
Action HR Consulting
For Personal Attention to Personnel Matters...
www.actionhrconsultant.com